Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
