I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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