you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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