Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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