I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
