omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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