I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
