I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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