I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
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