I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He? As in you personified your dick?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
