It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
