How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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