Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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