So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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