apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
