i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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