just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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