Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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