I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
