my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
