I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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