I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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