Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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