I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
