I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
