dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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