but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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