When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
its liver damage thursday
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