Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Drake has all the answers
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
