i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
