life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
