idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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