the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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