she takes plan B like it's going out of style
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
