The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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