I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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