you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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