I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
