i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize