The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize