His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
