There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize