Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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