Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
