FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Randomize
