I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
