All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
