I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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