Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
