im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
