She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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