I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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