highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
