Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
